Parenting Teens – Moving From Control to Influence (Pt. 1)

I’m just going to come right out and say it… parenting teens is H. A. R. D, HARD! I have tended to think parenting at every stage is the hardest, but I really do think parenting during the teenage years is the hardest.

It’s at this stage of life that most parents and children begin to really struggle for power, putting toddler power struggles to shame. The teen wants the power, the parent wants the power, and because nobody will let it go, they end up in a vicious cycle of power struggles that only serves to undermine any relationship they may have had. Furthermore, this power-struggle stage doesn’t do anything to prepare the teenager for life outside of their childhood home.

If you’re currently going through this, you’re not alone. Hi, I’m Coren, mother of a 15-year-old daughter, and I am right there with you! Luckily, my awesome church promotes a really cool approach to parenting that I think might be the key we’re looking for to unlock this frustrating mystery of the teenage years.

My church says that as a kid grows and matures, parents should move from control to influence. Sounds profound, right? The problem is, as good as it sounds, it isn’t super clear how to implement from the concept alone. So I’ve done some brainstorming and come up with 7 ways to implement this idea in real life. This first part will cover points 1-3. The rest will be covered in the next post.

1. Pray and trust God, then chill.
2. Point them toward God and His Word.
3. Get to know the teen version of your child.
4. Give up some control.
5. Let them make some of their own decisions.
6. Remind them frequently that you are there if they need you.
7. Tell them about what’s going on in your life and how you’re managing it.

Pray and Trust, Then Chill

First and foremost, pray. God’s Word tells us to pray about everything (Philippians 4:6). There is nothng too small or inconsequential. And our children’s well-being is most definitely not small or inconsequential! God depends on us to raise the kids He gave us into the people He needs them to be, so of course He will listen to prayers about our children!

“‘In those days when you pray, I will listen.'”

JEREMIAH 29:12

Pray that He will enlighten you and show you the heart of your teen.

Pray that He will inspire you and give you wisdom.

Pray that He will protect them from the enemy.

Pray that they would nurture their relationship with Jesus and gain a desire to do what is pleasing to Him.

Pray that He would comfort them and give them peace and joy.

Pray that He would surround them with Godly friends.

For more prayer ideas, check out The Power of a Praying Parent by Stormie Omartian and Praying the Scriptures for Your Teens by Jodie Berndt.

Once you have prayed, trust. Trust that God has heard your prayers. Never forget that He is sovereign and controls everything for His glory. He is glorified when we make disciples out of our children, so He can be trusted to work things out for the good of your family and your teen.

Once you have prayed and committed to trusting God, chill. Giving your precious child more independence can be stressful for you both, but anxiety and fear will only exhaust you and do more harm than good. It might take daily or even hourly commitment, but repeatedly giving your concerns about your teen to God will help you to relax and trust that He’s got your back. And remember, He planned for you to have the specific kids you have, and He will equip you to raise them if you let Him. Also, a teen’s quest for independence is a normal and necessary part of growing up. So, breathe…

“Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all that He has done.”

PHILLIPPIANS 4:6

Point Them Toward God and His Word

Ask, “Have you looked to see what the Bible says about that?” and “Have you prayed about it?” Another thing I’ve said recently is, “God has a plan for your life.” Just reminding them that He cares and is in control can reassure them in this exciting, but sometimes scary, time in their lives.

If you know a scripture that is relevant to a situation they’re facing, maybe share the reference, but let them look it up on their own. In their new quest for independence, teens have an easier time accepting and embracing things that don’t come from the mouths of their parents. I also like to send verse images from the YouVersion Bible app through my daughter’s preferred social media platform. This accomplishes 2 things; you are sharing God’s love and hope through His Word, and you are showing them you care by communicating in their language. Here’s an image you can download and share to get you started!

Also, make going to church a non-negotiable item, one that you’re not willing to give up control on. Whether they sit in the main service with you or go to a student group, they need to be fed spiritually. This will nurture their relationship with Jesus, a must for forming the solid foundation upon which the rest of their lives will be built.

Get to Know the Teen Version of Your Child

We all change as we learn and experience new things, and our children are no exception. It can be so easy to miss out on the inner workings of our kids’ minds and hearts. We are busy, focused on so many things at once all the time. I know first hand how other things can take our focus off of nurturing relationships with each of our kids. And personality differences (or even similarities) can make it difficult to connect even when you try.

But the importance of connecting with our teens can’t be overstated. They need to feel like we care, like we are at least trying to get them, and like we will be there for them no matter what.

So take time out to do things they enjoy (which have most likely changed since they were younger). Ask them questions about their life, friends, school, dreams, feelings, etc. In this way, you are learning about their strengths and weaknesses, their likes and dislikes, and their fears. Complement them when you see how they’re maturing, and take mental notes of areas that might need a little extra nurturing.

As you get to know your teenager better and make consistent efforts to reaffirm that they are important to you and loved unconditionally, you both will gain the confidence to shift power and control around until you find a happy medium.

Part 1 Summary

So, to sum up,

• Pray, trust, and chill.
  • Pray continually
  • Remember that God is sovereign over all, including your parenting efforts and your teen’s well-being.
  • Relax. This is normal. Plus, when God is in control, we don’t have to stress.
• Point them towards God and His Word.
  • Ask, “Have you prayed about that?” or, “What does the Bible say about it?”
  • Share scripture references or images (use their preferred media format)
• Get to know them better.
  • Connect with your teen by doing things they like to do with them.
  • Get to know their evolving personality and their hopes, dreams, fears, etc. by talking together, asking questions, and listening.

Read about the rest of the ways you can move from control to influence with your teenager in Part 2!

Catch ya’ later,

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